Mary Berry Comes Over For Tea by Lavinia Singer

    The news was greeted With that peculiar mixture

  of three-parts hot cheek Horror to one of itchy palms,

       last experienced the dAy when Andrew Motion

              overheard my ouTpouring of love

             for Cheryl Cole. What can you serve to this

    Maharaja of AGAs whO’s known for her scones

  & sprightly sponge? my Usual dessert

         is packet powder jelLy (which often as not

 refuses to set) Egad! I’m Done for:

               my meringue is Malingering – slunk

           in the sink, I’ve strAngled my strudel,

                 rubbished the Rum Babas, an upside down

     cake is upside down bY mistake…
 (Don’t even get me starteD on the plaited loaf.)
              Hopeless. Time tO throw in

                      the tea towel? Offer up

            a plate of Krispy Kremes or some
 jammy dodgers to connotE a respectable air

                  of laissez-fairE? “It doesn’t get tougher

than this!” – you bet your Profiterole it doesn’t.

                  O Gregg, I’d Be your DisasterChef.

                                       And yet –

       an image rises of her Kindly gaze, eyes of

        cornflower blue, and I think, What ho! I too

  can be dough-mestic! BriNg out the jelly and the Pick n Mix,

      I’ll give her something Gorgeous. Sherbet, mint

leaves, gum drops et voila! Not star baker, but it’s a start.