Monday, 15 October 2012

Mary Berry Comes Over For Tea by Lavinia Singer

    The news was greeted With that peculiar mixture
  of three-parts hot cheek Horror to one of itchy palms,
       last experienced the dAy when Andrew Motion
              overheard my ouTpouring of love
             for Cheryl Cole. What can you serve to this
    Maharaja of AGAs whO’s known for her scones
  & sprightly sponge? my Usual dessert
         is packet powder jelLy (which often as not
 refuses to set) Egad! I’m Done for:
               my meringue is Malingering – slunk
           in the sink, I’ve strAngled my strudel,
                 rubbished the Rum Babas, an upside down
     cake is upside down bY mistake…
 (Don’t even get me starteD on the plaited loaf.)
              Hopeless. Time tO throw in
                      the tea towel? Offer up
            a plate of Krispy Kremes or some
 jammy dodgers to connotE a respectable air
                  of laissez-fairE? “It doesn’t get tougher
than this!” – you bet your Profiterole it doesn’t.
                  O Gregg, I’d Be your DisasterChef.
                                       And yet –
       an image rises of her Kindly gaze, eyes of
        cornflower blue, and I think, What ho! I too
  can be dough-mestic! BriNg out the jelly and the Pick n Mix,
      I’ll give her something Gorgeous. Sherbet, mint
leaves, gum drops et voila! Not star baker, but it’s a start.

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